7:00 AM

Fake it 'til you make it?

EDIT: To write this kind of stuff when you're upset is cathartic...not so much so the next day though...but I'll let it stand if for no other reason than to maybe help soothe others in knowing they're not the only ones with doubts and insecurities.

So anyway, let me let you all in on a little secret: I lack confidence. Confidence in my writing. Confidence in my intelligence. Confidence in being a "good person" (no, no. I know I'm not the Devil incarnate -I dislike the heat too much- but I'm sure I could be better). Confidence is being good at just about anything. Well...OK that last one is not exactly true. I know I'm "good" at many things, but don't think there's one I actually excel at. Hence why I consider myself a jack of all trades, master of none. I suppose it's not an awful thing to be, but it'd be nice to know you're really good at at least one thing in life, right?

I find many other authors struggle with having confidence in their work. I'm not exactly sure why that is. Is it because it's an art form and art is so subjective? Is it because people have a habit of picking our work apart? We ask for that! It's supposed to make us better writers.

So why do I get so knocked down when someone does what I ask? They aren't mean about it. In fact, some of them are overly nice about it, trying to soften the blow I suppose. I know they mean well. I know they are being helpful so I can put out the best piece of work that I can...yet it still seems to cut me to the quick and revert me to the 12 yr old I was when I stopped writing for years because some stupid computer program told me I only wrote at a 6th grade level (little did I know at the time that that is not such an awful thing...).

How do you keep it all from weighing you down? I don't know. I do know I've come too far to give up and shove my novel  in a drawer somewhere. But I admit there are times where I am so afraid of failing that the idea of putting it in there so it never sees the light of day is extremely appealing. At least if I do that, then no one can tell me it sucks, right?

So, do I live in fear that people will hate my work and call me a failure or do I just suck it up and push ahead because I've already put in a disgusting amount of time and energy into all my writing? I think the answer is obvious, but it's still not easy. Am I going to cry when people tell me they don't like something? Probably. I'm a bit of a cry baby like that. I might be thick all over, but the skin is pretty thin.

I guess I've just got to keep telling myself that even if no one likes it (and I honestly don't think it's going to be a case of no one liking it, since I know some people have enjoyed it or at least not totally hated it) I can be proud of myself for working hard on it and getting it out there. I know there are a lot of people out there who talking about writing a novel but never do it, so at least I'm a step ahead of them, right?

I suppose I just have to go with the old "fake it 'til you make it" scheme. I can put on a happy face when I get criticism and be gracious and say thank you (because I really do appreciate anyone who seriously takes the time to offer the criticism) and then go cry in the corner until I get over it and then work to make the corrections. Maybe it'll hurt less with repetition. Maybe I'll need to buy stock in Kleenex. I guess time will tell.

I promise I'm not going to go weepy and all "woah is me" on a regular basis, but I kind of felt like I just needed to get it out and it's been a long time since I used a blog post as a diary entry. If nothing else, maybe some of you can read this and know you're not alone, or use it to make yourselves feel better "Hey! At least I've got more confidence in my work than that silly chick!". Either way is cool by me. 


Patricia Lynne said...

I'm with you on this. On all of it. My story is published and I am waiting for someone to tell me it sucks. I know it will happen and I know I will probably cry and hubby will have to console me and remind me of the great reviews friends gave me *looks at MB* and opinions are subjective. But they still hurt! As long as you can get over the hurt and keep truckin' then you're a lot stronger and confident than you think.

MBee said...

I'll get over it...but it'll leave me in a funk for a while. Too much other stuff going in on life to boot.

Ahh well. I'll just have to suck it up. Now I have to work on a new query tho... :P

Dawna said...

I came across this post via #amwriting on Twitter, and I'm glad that I did. It's really nice to know that I'm not alone in this.

I'm shaking my pom poms for you. :-) You, too, are not alone.

MBee said...

Thanks :) You are most definitely not alone!

CharlotteW said...

I too, feel that way sometimes. It's so tempting to keep your writing for yourself, and not let it see the light of day for fear of criticism. The thing you have to remember is a lot of people base their feedback on opinion. So maybe your writing's not for everyone, but there's an audience out there waiting for your work. From what I've seen, you're a damn good writer anyway :) *waits for Near Death* ;)

MBee said...

Well thank you! That's kind of you to say :)